my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
All I want is dick and wine.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
