Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
