I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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