How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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