I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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