I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
