i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
if only i could text you this smell
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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