a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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