can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
