Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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