So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
