my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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