I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
