A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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