I wish my penis had an off switch
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
