just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
