Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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