Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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