New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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