Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
