I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Ketchup is God's man juice
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
