Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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