i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Blood and glitter go together right?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
