I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
