Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
