You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
