I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
