Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
