Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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