John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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