We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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