Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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