I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
