He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
