Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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