nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
