apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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