I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
