Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
