if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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