Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
It's never too late to be topless.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
