Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
