she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i think i have two assholes
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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