Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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