maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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