is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He better not be in your backpack
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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