he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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