great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
