My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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