I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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